Dear Penthouse Forum

“Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought it would happen to me, and now that it still hasn’t, I thought I simply just HAD to write to tell you all about what it wasn’t…”

Perhaps the letter I would have written if really HAD happened. Of course.. it didn’t…

Tonight the kids and I went and ate at the Fuddrucker’s over in Brody Oaks Plaza. This is one of the many places I worked at when I was a teenager and is, therefore, one of the many places I was fired from. Of course, the kids were only slightly less bored by this fact than they were by the Great American Hotdog Eating Contest which was showing on the multiple televisions arrayed strategically around the dining room. There’s no fucking way you aren’t gonna watch TV at Fuddrucker’s. They’ve made certain of that.

As we were leaving, I drove around the back of the shopping center. That’s when I remembered her.

I don’t remember her name, but I do remember her beautiful brown hair… her dark eyes… the downy softness of her moustache.

That’s right. She had a moustache and had not figured out that the dark hair over the upper lip was reminiscent of Freddy Mercury and none too attractive. And yet, to me, she was beautiful…

“My sister is in Penthouse.” She said it as if it were a challenge. We were hanging out in the wooded area just behind the shopping center. We were on our lunch break and were both decked out in our white jeans and white Fuddrucker’s shirts. It was the uniform du jour for Fuddrucker’s – the upscale burger joint we both worked at.

“Oh yeah?” I replied. I wasn’t sure what to do with that information in the same way I wasn’t sure what to do with this girl who was hanging out in the woods with me.

“Yeah… she didn’t get the centerfold or anything but she’s in there. You should check it out… she’s really pretty.”

“Uh… yeah.. okay… sure…” What was I supposed to say to that? I was 16, looked all of about 12 and the only way I had ever gotten my hands on a dirty magazine was either by finding them in dumpsters or by digging them out from under my father’s friend’s closet when we were visiting his house. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to just pick up a copy of her naked sister on display at the nearest 7-11!

“You ever been with a girl?” she asked.

“Uh… well.. I mean… I’m with you right now!”

“No dumbass… I mean… have you ever been WITH a girl? I mean… have you ever… you know… gotten laid?”

“Ohhhh… “ I said it as if it spoke for itself. Of course, I never had. I’d never even been close. The most I’d ever done w/a girl at that point was to kiss my mother’s friend’s daughter on the lips when we were about 8. After that everything kind of came to a stop.

“So have you? I bet you haven’t… I bet you’re still a virgin.”

“Uhh well.. I mean… yeah… well I mean.. no… I mean.. yeah… I’m still a virgin. I guess.”

“You guess. You’ve either done it or you haven’t done it. It’s not an ‘I guess’ kind of thing.” Her tone was mean. I was the smallest thing in the world at that moment.

“Well I mean… yeah.. I’m a virgin… okay? I’ve never done it with anyone. What about you? Have you?”

“Duh! Of course I have! Who hasn’t done it?” I was surprised by this. As far as I knew none of my friends had done it. The fact that she had seemed completely out of place to me.

“Oh yeah? Who did you do it with?” I asked this, not realizing I might not want to know the answer. I asked it, not knowing she might not want to tell me. In any case, I wasn’t prepared for what followed.

She shouted, “I don’t want to talk about it okay!”, and then got up and ran up the short hill to the road behind the shopping center. When I caught up to her, she was crying and wouldn’t speak to me. We walked most of the way back to the restaurant in silence. Then, as we got near the back door she turned to me and said, “You tell anyone and I’ll hunt you down and kill you. I’ll cut your head off and shit down your neck. You fucking tell anyone and I’ll make you wish you were dead!”

I kind of wished I was anyway. “Hey look I’m sorry… what did I say? I just asked who you did it with? Is that so bad? Hey listen.. stop crying okay? I’m not gonna tell anyone… I promise… It’ll be our secret. I swear…” She looked me up and down and then slowly nodded her head.

“We gotta back in now. You’d better not tell anyone. I got enough problems without you telling anyone.” I figured it must be so to get such a reaction out of her. I figured I’d wait until later to discuss the moustache with her.