Women are Nuts...

Women go insane when the become mothers. I don’t know why this happens, but I have my suspicions. If nature didn’t provide for a sort of forced insanity, they’d almost certainly go crazy anyway and their behavior would potentially be less predictable or even violent! At best, they would become more difficult to be around. At worst they might actually kill.

Stay-at-home moms (“Homemakers”) have it the worst. They straddle a precarious line between the natural insanity of motherhood and the ever-present possibility of the more dangerous form.

Tina is a “Homemaker” and I think she may be losing the battle. Here are some examples:

Natural Insanity of Motherhood (NIoM)	More Dangerous Form of Insanity (MDFoI)
“Schnookums isn’t wistening very well… Does Wookywookums need a time out?”	“Schnookums better hope Daddy gets home in time to discipwine you cuz wookywookums don’t want any of what Mommy is about to dish out!”
Mommy will help woo in a minute”	“Mommy can’t help woo right now… Mommy is cweaning her weapons.”
“Okay wittle bunkywunkums… Time to cwean up the wivingwoom…”	“Time? There is no more time… It is time… It’s all over… GOD HELP US ALL IT’S ALL OVER!”

As you can see, there is a subtle but distinguishable difference. Over the years, I’ve developed a keen sense and am able to tell them apart almost automatically. I’m sure most men who make it this far have this ability. Those who don’t aren’t around very long.

This isn’t to say I’ve perfected my responses to those situations in which the natural insanity has given way to the homicidal mania. Here are some examples:

Homicidal Mania (HM)	The Correct Response (TCR)	My Response (MR)
“I’ve got an idea… Why don’t you do the fucking dishes and sweep the floor and lick the chimenea clean?”	“Okay honey sure!!!”	“Okay no problem… I’ll get right on it… And while I’m at it, can I get you to setup this project schedule for me? Also, I’m gonna need you to get on this 10:00pm phone call to Penang.. No? Didn’t think so…”
"Baby, even though I cut down this tree, could I get you to finish the job?"	“Okay honey sure!!!”	"No. I don't want to finish the job. I rarely finish my own jobs. You finish the job."
"Do I look fat in this moo-moo?"	“No baby, you look like the slender picture of your youth in that moo-moo!”	"Yes. You do look fat in the moo-moo. You look fat out of the moo-moo too!

Okay, I gotta play fair here... Tina doesn't have a moo-moo and she isn't overweight. On the otherhand, if she were to ask me a question like that I'd probably answer that way just because it's such a wrong thing to ask. It's morally wrong. It's just so wrong!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, regardless of her insanity (whichever form it happens to be taking at the time) it's fairly apparent that I'm somewhat unhinged, myself.

Now look at me. I've gone and emasculated myself. I had a perfectly good post going and had to go and fuck it all up with a blatant cop-out.